What if with all your good intentions around potty training your child just doesn’t want to use the potty? What do you do then?

Potty training with our son was going quite well until the arrival of his younger brother when he was two and a half. I’m not sure if he decided to drop toilet training in protest at having to share his parents or because he wasn’t getting the same amount of attention as before and soiling his pants seemed to bring some of the spotlight back on him. Either way it was quite a frustrating development. Not only because everything had been progressing well but also because we now had a newborn to take care of.

We tried many different things and eventually he got the hang of registering that he needed to pee and making it to the potty in time. But coordinating his bowel movements was a different story. At age four he still didn’t get it. When we asked him about it he would say he didn’t realise he needed to go or that he couldn’t feel it.

We tried insisting that he sit on the toilet each morning and at least try to have a bowel movement. This was unsuccessful and I wouldn’t really recommend it if your child is strong willed because as in our case it can very easily become a battle for control. We quickly realised that however much you try you just can’t force them to use the toilet.

So what can you do?

* make sure they are not constipated and are getting plenty of fluids, preferably water

* handle any accidents matter-of-factly and try (and I say try because I know from first hand experience that it isn’t easy) not to blame them or make a big deal out of it

* involve them in the cleaning up process –get them a pair of kid sized gloves for them to wear to wash their underpants, show them how to turn on the tap and how to scrub their pants clean and how to fill up a bucket to soak them when they are done. You may need to keep a step in the laundry so they can reach the taps and the tub.

* keep a spray bottle of water in the bathroom so that they can wet the toilet paper to help clean their bottom

* explain in detail how not doing a bowel movement in the toilet means extra effort for them and that they could make the whole process a lot quicker by racing to the toilet as soon as they get the urge

* explain that having a bowel movement is something that everyone does and is as normal as drinking, eating, sleeping and peeing and how it has to happen to keep them healthy

* you could try taking them to an osteopath or chiropractor to see if there is anything out with their spine that is affecting the message that they need to go from reaching their brain.

* try to get them to sit on the toilet after soiling their pants as they may have only allowed a little out

* you could try reading to them on the toilet to encourage them to sit there but again this can backfire and by four they really shouldn’t need those sort of props to take responsibility for their own toileting.

* if you think they are deliberately soiling their pants because they don’t like the whole process or can’t be bothered then you could draw up a list of consequences – for example, if they soil their pants once then no computer, twice no TV (what the consequences should be are highly subjective and ought to be whatever will resonate with your child). You need to be sure that they are being wilful and it isn’t some physiological condition because you don’t want to make them feel bad for something that they can’t control. That will only erode their self esteem and have a negative impact on your relationship with them.

If the problem has been going on for some time then you will need to accept that there is no quick fix. Some days will be great and on others you will feel like you’re going backwards. The most important thing is to stick with it and be consistent and fair. And remember the age at which your child fully masters potty training is no reflection on your parenting skills.